My Unintentional Journey of Pseudo-Sobriety

I never would have thought I would be writing something like this. If you know me in real life, you probably have known me at some point as a heavy drinker. Throughout my four years of college I partied and drank regularly, as is common for many college students. It was well known amongst my friends that I had an insane tolerance and also made strong drinks for friends when I was drunk so, needless to say, lots of people thought I was really fun. I thought I was really fun, and maybe I was. 

Post grad, I didn’t drink as often simply because there wasn’t as much opportunity, and I was living with my parents again after moving back home so there wasn’t as much freedom either. They aren’t tea-totallers by any means, but they aren’t huge drinkers. I would drink at friends’ houses, and could still drink a lot of my friends under the table but I noticed that hangovers were getting worse as I got older. Eventually I started thinking about how the hangovers didn’t feel worth it anymore, and I got to the point where feeling drunk wasn’t even really enjoyable anymore. 

So I started drinking less and less, which brought me to 2020. Over the course of this past year, I haven’t remained completely sober, and it wasn’t even too much of a conscious choice, but I have had very little alcohol in 2020.

New Year’s Eve, December 31st, 2019, I had a few drinks but didn’t even get drunk and left our annual gathering shortly after 1 am rather than spending the night. 

I believe we drank mimosas for my mom’s birthday but I only had maybe two. I had one beer that I can recall sometime over the summer, one or two mixed drinks spread out over months’ time. I got tipsy on a friend’s birthday in October, had two bellinis on election night, and two mimosas on Christmas. When I list them all together like that it may sound like more than “very little”, but this was a total of maybe twelve drinks over the course of an entire year, when often I would have close to that in one night in the past. 

(Me at 22 on a beach trip with my friends after college graduation)

The thing about this, and why I’m writing about it, is that I did not set out for sobriety…rather it sort of just happened to me and I don’t want this to come off as braggy like, oh look what I did I’m better than you because I don’t drink. And that’s why I started off with the story of my history of drinking, because this wasn’t something I ever thought about for myself. 

I started choosing, more often than not, to not drink simply because it didn’t hold much appeal for me anymore. And I definitely wasn’t thinking about this at the time, but looking back, I have felt so much better. Now, some people will say you’ll lose a ton of weight when you stop drinking which wasn’t the case for me. I’m still fat, I still partake in other “non-sober” experiences, I even still have a drink every once in a while. But I haven’t been truly drunk since December 7th, 2019 and it feels fantastic.

All of the things people try to tell you about not drinking that I believed to be bullshit, sober mumbo jumbo, I’m finding are actually true. My head is so much clearer, even though I’ve actually gained weight over the past year, I feel healthier. I feel more in-tune with my body, I wake up feeling much more energized, I’ve had less headaches – even my chronic headaches and migraines I get regularly from a shoulder/neck issue have decreased in frequency and pain level. I’ve been more creative and present in my life, I’ve been a happier person, even with mental illness ever-present. 

I am not anti-drinking, and I never will be. But I have also realized that I may have had more of an issue with alcohol than I ever thought. I don’t have an addictive personality, and I’m not an alcoholic by any means – alcohol is a serious disease that I wouldn’t take lightly. However, looking back on a large chunk of the time I was drinking the most, I realize that any time I drank it was to excess, I never had just one drink because I figured ‘if I don’t get drunk, what’s the point?’. 

If you have had serious thoughts about trying out going without alcohol for a while, I say go for it. Don’t let friends pressure you into drinking when you don’t want to. A lot of my close friends still drink quite a bit, but I easily stood my ground by saying I wasn’t interested. If they are your real friends, they should support you and not push it, even if they don’t understand why. 

I think too many people have this misconception that it will always be a hard thing to do, and that it always has to be all or nothing, but it doesn’t. Sure, alcoholics typically need to stay away from 100% of alcohol. But even if that’s not you, and you want to try backing off of drinking, it can be easy. I still (in the time before COVID) hang out with friends, go to restaurants and bars, maybe even have a drink sometimes. You don’t have to give up hanging out with friends, and if they make you feel like you do, then you need new friends. 

So this is how my unintentional pseudo-sobriety has changed my way of thinking in the last year. I would be really interested to hear any stories you would like to share about sobriety or changing your relationship with alcohol. You can email me at bidentityblog@gmail.com.

Also, if you or a loved one are suffering with addiction and alcoholism, please seek help. There are tons of resources out there. 

• Find a local Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous meeting
• SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association) has a hotline 1-800-662-4357, a free, confidential, 24/7, 365 day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English & Spanish) for those facing substance use disorders
• And many other hotlines and facilities throughout the country

Paloqueth Mermaid Vibe (& bondage set) [review]

 

Paloqueth is a brand that reached out to me and that I’ve worked with a couple times now. I hadn’t heard anything about them until one of their reps contacted me asking if I would like to be sent a few items to test out in exchange for review and I figured, why not.

If you have been following me, you know that this is the brand that makes my favorite wand vibrator, reviewed here. So I was pleased when thy reached out to me again to see if I was interested in testing out even more products.

The company doesn’t have a massive selection, but they definitely have interesting and intriguing items and I selected a couple.

The main focus of this review is the Mermaid Vibe. Upon first impression, it feels nice, sleek and soft. Aesthetically very pleasing with a softly curving shaft to a small rounded head. The base is shaped nicely to hold and has plenty of length to keep a good grip, especially if you’re using it internally. For being such an affordable price, it is very well constructed and the silicone is soft and buttery.

Overall, this toy performs well, but my favorite part is that I LOVE how quiet it is! It can be used very discreetly, which is great for someone such as myself that does not live alone.

I first used this vibrator externally only. Clitoral stimulation is my favorite way to get off, and typically the most effective. Most of the vibration is focused only in the head, making it perfect for external use since you can focus the head directly where you want stimulation.

It’s very comfortable and easy to hold and if feels good in your hand, the entire length covered with smooth silicone. The conveniently located power button makes it easy to turn off and on without pausing or stopping play, also another good feature for me since once I orgasm, I’m pretty sensitive and overstimulated, and usually need to remove stimulation or turn it off quickly.

The vibrations are a good average level, not too buzzy, but not super rumbly either. I think this would be a good toy for someone just starting out who maybe wants to play around with internal and external play. The motor being located in the head makes it easy to use externally with targeted vibrations, but it also has plenty of insertable length to be used internally.

I was also sent their ten piece BDSM set, which I have tried out a bit. I haven’t had partnered interactions in a while so I haven’t been able to test their full potential and usability, but I have played around with them as much as I could. The cuffs and collar are very comfortable, the fuzzy lining makes them easy to wear and helps from hurting or cutting into your skin if you were to pull on them while restrained. The collar is a lot wider than what I am used to, making it almost function as a posture collar, but because of the lining, it’s not extremely uncomfortable.

The collar and cuffs also have a good range in size adjustability; I have a larger neck size and it fit me just fine.

The ball gag is where I got a bit discouraged. The side pieces are nice and soft, not cutting into the corners of your mouth, however, where I had a problem was with the ball itself. Rather than being a squishier rubber or silicone, it is the style made of hard plastic with holes – a lot like a wiffle ball. While some folks may be fine with or even enjoy this type of gag, it is just a bit too much for my mouth. I sometimes have issues with TMJ so having my mouth stretched that far open was a little too much for my poor jaw.

The other items in the set I haven’t gotten to test yet but am excited to try out. There is a small flogger (this is one item that seems a little more cheaply made – though it looks like it’ll get the job done), some soft black rope, and an x-shaped hog-tie style restraint.

 

As always, though I was sent these items, all thoughts and opinions are my own. If you’re interested in checking out Paloqueth, don’t forget to use code MAREN for 15% of your entire order at checkout.

plusOne 2.0 – New product launch [review]

A while ago, I was sent a few products from a new line by Clio Designs called plusOne. I reviewed their Dual Massager (a “rabbit” style vibrator) and the vibrating bullet.

A few months ago, they added even more products to their lineup, and I was lucky enough to be sent their new stuff to try out.

The first launch were fantastic products, you can find my full review here. However, this time around, I feel like things are even more streamlined and professional. The designs are great; takes on other product ideas but with their own twist., and keeping consistent with their original concept of well-made, affordable toys. I love the company name imprinted in the silicone, making everything look sleek and professional. The addition of magnetic charger connections is a huge plus with this new release, rather than plugs that I always feel like I’m breaking because of how hard you have to shove them in.

Like before, all toys are 100% waterproof, made of high-quality body-safe silicone, and are rechargeable

What are the new products?

Air Pulsing Arouser – $34.98

This is a clitoral sucker that is along the same idea as the one I previously reviewed, but 100 times better as far as actual function and performance. The silicone is buttery and smooth, just like with their initial launch of products, and the seamless design of this sucker; the broad body makes it comfortable to hold, molding to the palm of your hand, the gentle curve sort of hugs the shape of your mons pubis as well.

This is the only toy of its kind that is totally waterproof, not to mention that most are twice the price.

It’s much less aggressive than the other sucker that I reviewed, therefore making things much more enjoyable. I had always liked the idea of one of these toys before trying one, yet was so turned off by the first one I tried…I’m glad that I gave another one a shot.

Mini Massager

I was also sent the Mini Massager which is such a versatile and fun toy. It’s amazing for travel and has so many different uses which makes it a welcome addition to my top shelf lineup. It’s a versatile toy with more pinpoint vibrations that can serve as a multi-functional and gender-neutral product.

The toy itself is a perfect mix of easy to hold in your hand, but also serves a similar function as my beloved bullets. If you know me, or have read my other reviews, you know that I am a bullet queen. They are my favorite type of toy as someone who loves clitoral stimulation more than anything else, and yes, I am still holding onto my absolute favorite one even though it takes batteries rather than being rechargeable, and drains them quickly so I have a AAA battery graveyard by my bed

The Mini Massager can work amazingly as a bullet-esque vibe due to it’s more concentrated vibrations, though it’s a bit more comfortable and easier to hold in your hand for an extended period of time. It also easily works for many other uses like nipple play, sensory play on the body, penile stimulation, or could even be used for external anal stimulation. It’s intense enough that it can get the job done but not overwhelming, and not too buzzy.

This time around, plusOne has also moved into cleaning and wellness products along with their toys.

Toy Cleaning Wipes – $5.98

These are one of my favorite sex-related products I’ve ever owned that’s not a toy. The convenience factor alone is just too great to pass over. If you are someone who is on the go with your toys, or you’re in a situation where you need to clean a toy quickly without having to, say, break a scene to run to the bathroom and scrub down with toy cleaner, these wipes are amazing.

Aside from cleaning toys, they are body safe and can be used to clean up messes – on fingers, labia, etc. They don’t have harsh, irritating fragrance, they have the right amount of moisture, and don’t leave weird or sticky residues. I know that once I run out of the ones I was sent, I’ll have to go buy more.

Personal Lubricant – $8.98

The lube is pretty standard, and it’s water-based which is great because that’s pretty much all I use- unless I occasionally whip out something a little more long-lasting for butt stuff, like silicone-based – though usually water-based works perfectly fine there as well.

Something that I love is that it’s free from oils and parabens, etc. and it won’t stain your sheets which is one of the best things about any lube. It has the right amount of slip but won’t just drench you, so it’s pretty fuss free. It also lasts longer than some other water-based lubes I’ve tried in the past, so it’s definitely  one I’ll keep reaching for.

Final Thoughts

plusOne you’ve done it again. I keep being impressed by this brand, and I love the fact that they are sold through such large, mainstream outlets as Walmart and Target, making them more easily accessible to the masses (even if my local stores don’t carry them – yay Bible Belt…). They create quality products that are realistic, affordable, function well, and seem built to last – with their consumer in mind. I think I can confidently say that any future launches from this company, I will be snatching up as well.

Though these products were sent to me, all thoughts and opinions are my own – I will always keep it real. If you are interested in checking any of these out for yourself, visit your local Walmart, Target, or click the links thought this post.

For more information on each toy and the brand itself, check out the plusOne website here.

I Like Butt Stuff and I Cannot Lie

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/g8292029/best-anal-play-butt-plug-sex-toys/

People always say, never say never, and we almost always think it’s bullshit, right? I’m in the same boat, however, until about two years ago, I had sworn that I would never put anything in my butt. I had even watched DP porn…kind of a lot of DP porn, but I had myself convinced that even if I was okay with watching it, I had no interest in ever experiencing it. I preached to others, like my friends, that it was normal and that the anus is an erogenous zone, while simultaneously disavowing anything to do with the practice. 

Then I started getting more involved in my kinks and other sexual interests in general (for more on that, check this out), and started thinking more and more about it. After all, I’d watched the porn, so why not try it at least once? What’s the worst thing that could happen? I don’t like it and never do it again? Seemed like a fair plan tome, so I set myself up, laid down a towel just to be safe, because even though I’d never done it I knew that anal takes a good amount of lube and I just didn’t want to make a mess on my sheets (because is there anyone who doesn’t absolutely hate washing sheets and having to remake the bed?), and I just did it. And I loved it. I had an experience that I never imagined I would enjoy and had my first anal orgasm the very first time. Sure it felt weird at first, and I had to remind myself that yes it felt a little like pooping because that’s the only other sensation I’ve ever had in that area before, but once I got past all that, it was great. 

https://www.lovehoney.com/product.cfm?p=37704

Now that I knew I enjoyed this thing that I had been adamant I would never do, I had a new thing and I went out and bought all the necessary supplies. I got an anal douche, more lube, and butt plugs – the regular and vibrating variety. I started reading more about anal, being the sex nerd that I am I wanted to know everything there is to know about what people have done with anal, things that feel good, things that feel terrible, what to never put in your ass, etc. 

Rule Number One – never put anything in your asshole that you cannot easily get out of it. If you aren’t aware of this rule, here’s why. 

Once you stick something in there, it kind of acts like a vacuum so if what you’re using doesn’t have a handle of some sort, it’s gone. Don’t use toys without a flange in your butt; a flange is like the round base of a butt plug, or the base end of a dildo. Basically, it’s something that is wider than the widest point of the toy so that it prevents the toy from getting sucked in and stuck inside you. I’ve met people that work in ERs and can tell horror stories about things they’ve had to remove from people’s rectums…just don’t do it.

Rule Number Two – always use lube. I don’t care what you’re doing back there, the anus is not self-lubricating like a vagina and the friction will hurt if you aren’t lubricated. Don’t be shy with it, honestly, use more than you think you’d need. I promise, you’ll thank me later. 

I have gone on an interesting journey of self-discovery with each new thing that I’ve found that I’m interested in, whether it be kink, my queerness, or even my enjoyment of the one sex act I had vowed to avoid forever. You get a lot of interesting reactions from friends if they find out that you’re into “butt stuff”, even on the smallest scale. You’ll find out that a lot more people have tried it, and enjoy it, than you would have thought, and then you’ll also inevitably get the people, like I used to be that say “oh I would never do that”. 

Don’t let others discourage you from something that you may enjoy, and if you already enjoy it, don’t let other people make you feel bad about that. It’s perfectly normal, after all, it is one of your erogenous zones. Plus, anal is the great equalizer – everyone has an anus.

So I suppose the moral of this story is, don’t totally write off anal if you haven’t tried it, never say never…unless it’s to putting things in your butt without a handle.

Summer Self-Lovin’ with Vibease [review]

Earlier this summer, I was contacted by a company I hadn’t heard of called Vibease, and asked if I wanted to try out their product. I try to stay open-minded and keep my options open to help grow my content and figure out what I like. I figure trying out some questionable products is like a rite of passage and it’s the best way to really figure out what you like and what you want to take in the future. So, I did a little research on their website and figured I would give it a go. There are a lot of pros and some cons to this toy, so let’s just jump right into it.

First Impressions

Just upon first seeing the toy, it looks well-constructed, small , compact, and discreet. It’s made with soft silicone, rechargeable, and waterproof which are all a plus in my book.

The idea of a remote controlled vibrator is what really convinced me to say yes. I have always wanted to try out one of these toys, though the WeVibe versions are on the pricey side and this one was appealing because it is strictly an external clitoral vibe. I haven’t had a real life partner in quite a while, so most of my sexual partners are “digital” at this point in time, so the interactive part is great. Of course it can be used in solo play as well, but the interaction and idea of letting someone else run the vibrations through the app also adds the control aspect I enjoy sometimes as a submissive, and the app is fairly easy to use once you explore a little and figure out the functions. It makes it fun to interact over chat and actually have your partner controlling what’s happening to your body even if they can’t be in the same room with you.

This toy is very quiet, which is such a welcome change from so many others I have, including ones that make the claim to be quiet. It’s also wearable (like in underwear), and quiet enough that you can do this in public or around people if that’s something you enjoy. It gives you the thrill that someone could find out, but doesn’t make enough noise that someone definitely will find out.

Really my only main con is the audiobooks, it’s a great idea but the execution just doesn’t work. I understand what they were trying to do, but in my opinion this is a useless feature. Some may enjoy them, but I never finding myself using it; maybe if there were stories with better quality writing and the vibration aren’t actually in any kind of rhythm that makes sense with the books.

Performance

Over all, I enjoy using this toy. I even have found myself enjoying some of the patterns. I never thought this would happen, but I’m starting to like patterns, what’s up with me?? I honestly think that some of the reason I may enjoy and am able to get off even with the patterns is because I’m not the one controlling it, so there’s the added thrill that I don’t know what might happen and what it may feel like.

The motor packs a pretty good punch for the size of this toy, but it’s not too much to the point where you couldn’t use it for a drawn out play session if you wanted to.

Final Thoughts

I love this toy. If you ignore the audiobook feature, this vibrator is fantastic. I love the idea of a remotely controlled vibrator, and I’m glad that I said yes to trying this out. Being someone who has only had long distance sexual partners within the past few years, and also being a submissive who enjoys relinquishing control, I have very much enjoyed this toy and will most definitely keep using it.

I was sent this toy for review, but as always all thoughts and opinions are my own.

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet: Review of Sixty from SXOhh

First Impressions

I was recently sent the Sixty, currently the only toy from a new line, SXOhh. I love that this is a woman-owned company.

The Sixty is a sleek, aesthetically pleasing design made with buttery-soft silicone, the magnetic charging makes it waterproof which is always a plus, and the small size of the charger makes it easily portable if you like to take your toys on the go, or if you don’t have a lot of room for clunky charging docks. So overall, I think the visual design is attractive, streamlined, and practical.

The product marketing runs on the claim that the Sixty will take you from 0 to orgasm in under a minute which we will discuss more later, but just know that this isn’t a part that I’m totally in love with.

Okay, but how does it actually perform?

I have been testing out this toy off and on for the past couple of months, and we’ll get to why it’s been off and on.

Right out the gate, the vibrations are powerful. And I mean powerful. The lowest setting is like a jackhammer (not necessarily a bad thing), and while I understand the gimmick and branding of the whole “orgasm in 60 seconds” thing, that’s not always the case.

Every body is different and it’s also not necessarily a desirable outcome. Sometimes orgasm isn’t the number one goal of sex or masturbation, I personally love edging and a nice drawn out session before I orgasm, even when I’m masturbating.

This toy has a lot of patterns…and probably about 90% of the time, I hate patterns. I’m sure that there are plenty of people who enjoy them, though I feel like lately I’ve heard or read from many others who feel the same as I do, so why don’t toys have a wider range of power settings and less patterned vibrations?

Another thing about this toy is that it is really loud, largely due to the sheer amount of power in the toy. This isn’t going to be a negative for some, however, I and many other folx my age do not live alone, or just don’t want a toy that’s so loud and indiscreet. Because it is so powerful from the beginning, it makes a lot of noise. To the point where I don’t use it unless I’m home alone.

My critiques aside, I do enjoy the toy, but I don’t find myself reaching for it frequently, hence the off and on testing. I am not typically at home alone, especially at times that I want to use a toy (e.g. night time after I’ve gone to bed), so lack of discretion doesn’t make this a good toy to reach for when I want to get off before I go to sleep and there is someone in the next room that I’d rather not hear my vibrator buzzing away.

I have gotten off many times with this toy, though not in sixty seconds. I don’t love internal vibration, and don’t typically orgasm from penetration, at least not penetration alone. My favorite thing is intense (but not too intense!), prolonged clitoral stimulation which I find tricky to achieve with the Sixty, though not impossible, it just takes some finessing, and I have rarely ventured past the lowest setting during actual play as the higher settings tend to make my clitoris want to retract into by body and run away screaming.

Most of the times I have used this toy, it was more like a large bullet – which is arguably my favorite kind of toy for various reasons – rather than a small internal vibrator, though it does have a length that works for penetrative play if that’s what you want, and it does a good job of g-spot stimulation due to its shape.

Final thoughts

This toy is an aesthetically pleasing, well functioning design, and while not for everyone, there are definitely aspects that make it a great toy. If you are a power lover, you may have found your new favorite vibrator, or if you sometimes just want to go full throttle with some intense vibrations then the Sixty may be for you.

All opinions are my own, however, I do have an affiliation partnership with SXOhh. If you are interested in testing out the Sixty for yourself, check it out here.

Goals for Bidentity in 2019

image taken from: https://blocktribune.com/blockchain-and-cryptocurrency-2019-predictions-vol-xx/

 

I am writing this and posting it to the internet in an attempt to keep myself accountable this year. I started my blog with so many great ideas already banked and the best of intentions for all I wanted to get done between last June and now, however, I failed to accomplish a lot of it.

I tend to start projects with full steam enthusiasm and set lofty goals for myself, and then fall off a short ways in, which is what sort of happened to me. Also, every year between late September and about late January, early February, I tend to turn inward; I’m focused on my favorite Sabbats and the holidays and don’t usually focus much on projects or other activities.

But now the holidays are over, it’s a new year, and I am determined to really turn Bidentity into what I envisioned it as this year.

Goal #1: Finish all of the pieces I have already started (most of which are already half done, I just can’t seem to finish).

When I began my blog and posted my introductory post in June, I already had a list of ideas that I knew I wanted to write, even though I only got through three of them.

Goal #2: Reviews.

Even though I established Bidentity as a sort of catch-all blog for my own personal identities and experiences, I did always intend to think of it as a sex blog and with that, comes toy reviews. I have one coming up probably in February or March thanks to my new affiliation to SXOhh, but I want to dive into many more in the coming months.

Goal #3: Make more friends.

I really love the sex blogger community on the internet, and am mostly on the outside looking in. Sarah Brynn Holliday of Formidable Femme is one of my dearest friends and has been super helpful to me, answering my panicked questions about how to communicate best with companies, or stuff that should be simple like how to put links in my website’s side bar. But I would love to make friends with even more of the amazing babes that I follow and admire from a far on Twitter, Instagram, and their blogs.

Goal #4: Make it to Woodhull

While I know that Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit has its issues, it is my goal to go at least once; after all, it is one of the biggest sexuality conferences in the country. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to make it this year, so if not, I’d like to at least lay the ground work to go in 2020…but we shall see. You never know what the next few months will entail.

Goal #5: Trust Myself, and the process

Part of me feels like I need to grow Bidentity at an exponential rate and that I need to try to be at the caliber of my peers right off the bat…but the logic center of my brain understands that so many other bloggers have been at it for years, growing their blogs and their followings over time, and that I haven’t failed if I’m not at that point in 6 months, or even a year or two. I just need to be gentler with myself (in this and other aspects of my life)

 

So here it is. It’s put out in the world, and for some reason to me, that makes me feel more accountable than if I had just kept this list saved on my computer. Here’s to 20biTeen!

My Vagina Is Relieved

[image credit from Planned Parenthood website : https://www.plannedparenthood.org/planned-parenthood-pacific-southwest/blog/the-shocking-evolution-of-period-products%5D

 

We take so much care in thinking about what we’re putting inside our bodies when it comes to food, medicine, drinks, and sex toys, so why don’t we talk so much about period products? If you are someone with a period and you use pads and/or tampons, I urge you to do your body a favor and go get better products.

Last month, I had my first period using organic cotton pads and tampons that are chlorine free, and free of other harsh dyes or chemicals, and it has changed everything. A typical period for me used to mean discomfort and irritation for at least a few days, and I thought that was just normal. I figured that the burning and itching of my vulva was just a side effect of having a pad resting against it for several hours, however I now know that it was because of what is in the pad that is irritating my sensitive skin.

Common brands of disposable, single use menstrual pads and tampons use a host of harmful materials. I had heard these things, but didn’t think too much of it until I decided to try an alternative.

I have also tried out a menstrual cup (which I just can’t get to work) and a soft cup (which leaks and, much like the regular cup, I can’t figure out to save my life), so for me, disposable products – though still pretty wasteful – make the most sense, so the least I can do for my body is to purchase products that are natural and more gentle to some of my most sensitive areas.

I also was probably exposing myself to even more harmful ‘ingredients’ by buying generic store brands rather than name brand, because they are cheaper. The new natural brands, however, are fairly comparative in price to name brands like Tampax and Kotex, so while a bit of a jump from generic pricing, I don’t feel that I’m hemorrhaging money for these products.

There are several brands popping up at various big name retail locations, and you can probably find some at your local co-op or health food store, but I personally picked up the “This Is L” brand from Target (not sponsored). I picked up regular absorbency tampons, and overnight pads (this is when I typically use pads, or on lazy days at home when I don’t feel like dealing with changing my tampon) and they also happened to be on sale which saved me a little bit of cash, which is always nice.

I just finished my second month of periods using organic products, and even did an experiment one of those days and used some of the other product that I still have left. It was the only day out of my entire period that I had irritation and discomfort, further solidifying my conclusions.

I understand that the allure of cheaper and more readily available products is tempting, especially for those of us who are twenty-somethings with student loan payments and hourly wage jobs, but I urge you – if it is at all within your means – please do your body a favor, and ditch the chlorine loaded pads and tampons, your vulva will thank you.

This post is not sponsored and all opinions are my own.

Why I’m Not Celebrating America Today

[above image: in the military, the upside down flag is used as a signal of distress]

 

With everything going on in our country we should all take a good hard look at what this “holiday” is meant to stand for and whether that is something we want to celebrate at this time. What does it mean to be an American right now? It could mean a lot of things on a personal level, differing from one individual to another. But as a whole, America is in trouble.

Our country was “founded” by people coming to a land that was not their home country, coming to get away from oppression and persecution. How easily some of us seem to forget that fact. Our country’s first settlers invaded and took over land that was not theirs to claim, and pushed out an entire race of people that were living here long before Columbus “discovered” it. American history has been white-washed for centuries, and painted in a light to make these men look like heroes and figures to be lauded for their acts, while the reality is and has always been much darker.

How can any of us, in good conscience, spend today celebrating a country that is committing heinous acts against thousands of people? Or working to strip rights that we have fought decades to obtain? I have, for most of my adult and adolescent life, never been much of a patriotic person, questioning how great this nation really is. There are many things I am extremely grateful for in regards to being an American, and freedoms I may not be afforded elsewhere, but I have also done my best to look with a critical eye to make sure I wasn’t too complacent, or complicit.

At this point, we are looking at the imminence of the overturn of Roe v. Wade, legislation that has been nothing short of life saving to anyone seeking available options when it comes to pregnancy. To overturn this ruling would set us back over forty years, which is a setback we cannot afford. We can’t afford to return to a time of people dying from illegal abortions, improper healthcare, and the shame and stigma attached to these issues that we have fought tooth and nail to overcome.

There are still thousands upon thousands of children being split apart from their parents and families, while being shipped all over the country and held in facilities for indefinite amounts of time. There are a few thousand children that have just been essentially lost and the government is doing nothing to change or fix it, much less admitting that they have made a grave mistake.

I won’t sit here and pretend to know everything about these issues and what’s going on, and I also won’t lie and say I know how to fix any of it. There is so much going on, even more than I’ve covered here, and I think we are all really at a loss right now, and it’s scary because there is so much that needs to be fixed.

Every American should be outraged at what Trump does in our name and actively resist by whatever means available. Why we need to pay attention, reclaim our democracy, and ensure that America emerges from this collective nightmare as a nation we can be more proud of tomorrow than we were yesterday.

The moral arc of the universe does bend toward justice, but only if we stand together in moments of crisis and bend it ourselves.

America isn’t without flaws or dark chapters, but wallowing in those mistakes doesn’t advance the cause of freedom or human dignity. We must acknowledge the past and learn from it, but our task here in the present is to accept responsibility for the future and, through our actions, continue to perfect the union.

Our nation may not be living up to the aspirations or values of the American people right now, but without it the world is a much darker place.

Sure you could look at my non-participation in the fourth of July as some sort of act of political protest, but it is also an act of self-preservation and sheer lack of patriotism or pride in my country. As Americans, we should be more critical than ever, the government and current administration should be ashamed…and all of this and so much more is why I’m not celebrating America today.

Coming Into My Identity

 

Big rainbow flag is waving in the wind with sun shining throughMore of my flag images:

I suppose I’m taking the cliché route and writing my first official blog post, on my queer blog, about my “coming out” story, or my queer/bisexual journey.

But I figured it would be a good place to start, to give some insight into how I got to this point, where I stand now with my queer identity, how I came to call myself queer proudly, and just a general look at me.

In the queer or LGBTQ+ community, there is a lot of emphasis still put on the “coming out” narrative, and people are still obsessed with folks’ “coming out” stories…but for most individuals, it’s more complicated than one succinct, compact, tied-with-a-ribbon story, because “coming out” doesn’t just happen one time, and sometimes it doesn’t happen at all.

I personally prefer not to look at it as “coming out”, but more as a “coming in”. We are finally stepping into and occupying these identities that we hold. The idea of the closet holds so many negative connotations, and many queer individuals feel a lot of pressure to come out because being “in the closet” is still so stigmatized within the LGBT community.

The reality is that coming out is an extremely personal decision, and for reasons of privacy, safety, job security, etc. it should be left to that individual to decide if, when, how, and to what extent to “come out”. I have been coming out since I was sixteen, and am still not truly 100% “out” (we’ll revisit this topic in a later post), but I chose when and who to tell, and did so because it was what I was comfortable with and what worked for me.

I stepped into my “non-straight” identity for the first time when I was sixteen years old by telling my best friend at the time. I had been confused and questioning my sexuality for about a year because I believed I had a crush on another friend of mine that was a girl. I knew I wasn’t a lesbian because I was still very much attracted to guys, but I went back and forth on thinking maybe this was just a fluke and I was still straight, it was just this one girl. Finally I was honest with myself that this wasn’t a fluke, and I told the one person that I told everything to that I knew I was attracted to girls…but I still didn’t use the term bisexual.

The time I was in high school was, I feel, the peak of when people would say that anyone who said they were “bisexual” was just looking for attention or making something up to be different. I never felt that way about anyone, but because that idea was so pervasive at the time, I shied away from associating myself with it.

So I told my best friend I knew I was attracted to girls and guys, and he was the only person that knew for two years. Over that time I struggled to figure out even what to identify as to myself, because if “bisexual” meant slutty and looking for attention, then that wasn’t me, and I began to internalize that idea. For a good part of those two years I ignored it all and got wrapped up in a crush that I was convinced was love, on the aforementioned best friend, and I focused on him.

Fast forward through those times, the biggest heartbreak of my life (so far), and the ending of our friendship (which I’m sure we will come back to in a later post), to the first time I called myself bisexual, and it changed everything.

In the Fall of 2011, I was in my first year of university. It was around early October and I had just discovered my school’s student-led LGBT organization. I still wasn’t “out” to any of my roommates, friends at school, or friends back home, and I wanted to explore and discover this on my own, so I went to my first meeting by myself and it was amazing. I had been involved in my high school’s GSA (gay-straight alliance) and was always accepting of anything LGBT, but I had never seen so many out, loud and proud people in one room before. I made a friend that night and he became my introductory mentor to the group. After the meeting, we were talking and he casually asked me how I identified, and without thinking about it much or skipping a beat, I told him I was bi, he accepted it as my truth as easily as if I had told him my hair was brown, and in that moment my life changed.

I started telling my new friends at college, I started going to every meeting each week and quickly making new friends, and like the old cliché, over Thanksgiving break, I came out to my best friends I’ve kept since middle school.

It continued on like that, my queer community and chosen family forming around me, and I completely immersed myself in all of it. The word that I once had shied away from and been ashamed to associate with was now an identity I had thrust myself into full force, and with pride.

Why bisexual? At the time I began learning about and realizing my sexuality, I had a limited lexicon of terms to choose from, and it was the only one I had to describe what I was feeling. As my bonds strengthened with my university organization, and my LGBT family, I began to learn more about the spectrum of gender and sexuality, and the different identities that people occupy.

The first time I heard someone identify as Queer was in a panel held by my newfound organization. The individual who held this identity explained her personal definition of the term and something clicked inside me. It just described everything I felt I was, even things that bisexual never quite reached, and I knew it was a term I liked and identified with.

I still use both; for myself because both still resonate with me, for different situations because in some settings one may feel more right or fitting than the other, and for others because as much as many folks don’t like the idea of labels, I find them liberating. It is an identity that I can step into and feel validated, I can share my truth and have a common ground on which to connect with others who share at least part of that identity.

The process of “coming out” is never truly done, and it isn’t a one-size-fits-all. But this is how I discovered myself and came in to being bisexual.